Messy Homestead

It's all about give and take, right? Today my boys are played with, taught, loved on their level. My house is an absolute mess (really it usually is, but it's at least sort of manageable most days). But these are the days I feel more fullfilled. I don't know why I have such a hard time with just letting go of having a perfectly clean house. Part of it is that messiness and clutter are overwhelming. But part of it is just my expectations on myself to be perfect.  Well I have let that go today. And I've been having a blast with my boys!

I've been learning and growing a lot about comfort. I feel the desire to remove myself from uncomfortable things. I recognize that this is who I am, but I want to grow and change. I want to learn how to embrace the excitement of life and to not fear hard things.  Example: we have been talking about having more children. I know that in my heart I would really like to have more. But having two children has been so difficult! Whenever something tough happens, like the kids getting sick, or me having an impatient day, I think, "I  really  want more children??" Another example: I am  tired.  I have been dealing with sick children for a week. A dear friend of mine asks me to a movie on Saturday and I tell her that I am interested, depending on how everyone is doing by Saturday. Saturday rolls around and I'm tired, but think if I can go to the cheap theater by our house, I could maybe be convinced to go. I check movies and times. My friend texts me to tell me w...

When you became a mom, you signed up for never pooping in peace again. And I'm not talking about a little cute baby toddling and say goo goo Ga ga to you. But I mean a fussy two-year-old who doesn't want ou to leave and won't  stop whining. You need a break, but you just can't get it, not even when you have to poop.

This is the season where I am learning how selfish I am. I want things conveniently. I had no break at naptime today. No break. I want two hours at naptime I don't want to be around somebody 24 hours a day. I want time for me. I have a hard time playing with my kids all the time in the way they need and want and I want to play what I want to play when I want to play and how I want to play. I'm struggling now feeling like these boys are missing out on all of me I don't know how to give it to them. I don't know how to re-charge to have more energy and love and excitement. I feel spent and tired and selfish. David woke up when I was snuggling Judah. It was a short nap. I went in the basement where I couldn't hear either boy crying, and ran up and down the hallway until my throat hurt. Sometimes it helps to vent.